Confession: Four

Posted on by Christiana Oladele Posted in Non-fictionTagged , , , , , , , ,

Will my confession series be a serious one if I don’t tell you a deep, dark part of myself? Before I get into it though, I am compelled to tell you a story but I don’t know how to tell it. So, forgive me in advance of it is a little mishy-mashy, I promise to do my best.

Have you ever felt small, unworthy, invisible, and not beautiful? Have you ever felt like a fake imposter whenever you get complimented for something you did excellently? Have you ever doubted yourself so much you concluded you couldn’t do anything right? Have you felt so alone in the midst of friends, family and crowds? Have you ever felt unworthy of any good thing that comes your way you get so scared when good things start to happen to you? Have you ever, even if it’s just once? Have you?

Those were the million dollar questions that roared in her head the whole time. When good things happened she was scared to enjoy it because in her words, “they never last”. And when bad things happened, she didn’t want them but at least she was used to their long tenancy in her life.

She was just a scared little girl who let life get the best of her, forgetting she had all the goodness and power in her to make it better. She didn’t realize she was strong enough to fight back the blows she received daily from life. She didn’t realize how worthy she was of the good things in her life, she didn’t realize how beautiful she was or how talented she was. She didn’t realize that she was perfect with her every imperfections. She was blinded. Blinded by the sadness and depression of her soul, blinded by the hurtful things that had been said to her. Blinded to the good life ahead of her because she believed so much in lies that were her truth at the time.

She is the story many have lived, still live, and may still live. She was you before, she was one of your friends, she is one of the many who still roam the earth today. But for the sake of confessing, she is me and I am her. I cloaked myself in sadness for so long it was hard to let myself be happy because it was so foreign. I became the master of facade, pretending to be happy; you know, faking it till I make it.

Despite it all, I was hopeful. A teeny-weeny bit of hope always glimmered somewhere in the darkness of my mind, now I’m sure it was God keeping me sane. I’d tell myself: hopefully, someday it will all be better, hopefully I’d be really happy, hopefully the sun will shine again, soon, someday. And it was that tiny thread of hope (in God) that helped me through that darkness.

And so, I have come to the end of my confession for today 🤗. I truly, honestly hope that this blesses at least one person today. Maybe you’re currently drowning in darkness, depression, whatever it is, God helped me hope in something good and I’m sure he can help you too.

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P.S: I hope the story wasn’t so disorganized and I hope you enjoyed reading it too. Don’t forget to leave a comment, like and share!

P.P.S: Stay safe; mentally and health wise 💗.

14 thoughts on “Confession: Four”

  2. Akande Emmanuel's avatar
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    Akande Emmanuel says:

    Thanks for this piece. I’m currently trying to put fear and self doubt away. For example, when I submit a task ,no matter how good it is. I still feel like it’s not good enough. I hope to find the strength to believe in myslef more.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ABSOL's avatar
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    ABSOL says:

    The feeling is just real! Guess it’s one everyone have to battle at one point or the other in our lives. It grows worse when rejection set in.

    It is a thing to be doubtful, it is another thing to end up being rejected after so many hope. But God no go shame us, everywhere go good.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Vida Ogbonna's avatar
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    Vida Ogbonna says:

    You’re not alone dear. I’ve been there too. It’s never a nice feeling, you just have to dust yourself and carry your shoulders high. Wallowing in self pity is more like a prison yard. Thank God, things are different for you now. If this will help, I just want you to know that I like your personality and I think you’re a really smart young lady. Always remember that!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. TC's avatar
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    Teacher Camille says:

    Thanks for sharing a personal part of you, Christiana! Felt the same way many times but yeah, we can handle and cling on to those things that keep us sane. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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